Hey, everyone (or like seven people.) This doesn't relate to Twilightclan or the roleplay in really any way, I just felt like talking. You know those days were you just feel like having closure with someone. Telling them your feelings even though its meaningless to them. Recently, I guess I've felt in a funk. I have no purpose. To do, really anything. I've always been an A student or at least A and B student (predominately A), but of late I have been slacking. I don't do my homework that often anymore and if I do its a half fast (sounds the same as what I wont say if you say it fast) job. I guess I pay attention in class, kind of. For the most part though, academics have taken a secondary position in my life.
I have instead turned my attention to my social life. My personal interests. I've always been extremely introverted and shy, which made me pretty unpopular and just that weird girl that people didn't understand. Yet, this year, as a Junior, I wanted to change that. I've joined Drama and opened up more and I actually really enjoy it. I have lots of friends now, and I may not be the most popular person, but hey, I have all the people I need: good, down to earth people. I'm even in a relationship, which is totally new to me and I really like the guy. So in that aspect you could say life is good. But, then again I'm reminded of my previous academic determination, and realize I lack it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have A's and B's and only one C. But that's the lowest my grades have ever been, and they're dropping. Finals are coming up and I have no idea how I'm going to do because I've just been coasting through. A minimal amount of effort for a minimal, I guess "sufficient" amount of learning and grade level. And don't get me wrong, the people I hang out with are not slackers or bad people, so its not like I'm not doing my school work because of peer pressure. So, even though I think in one aspect of my life I've really grown and developed into a better person, why is it on the other spectrum I'm falling behind?
I've spoken to other people in my class, 2015, and they all say the same thing.
"I don't even care anymore."
"I hardly ever do my homework."
"I'm just so stressed and feel like, what's the point?"
These are all good, hardworking students that I've known for years. It seems like an epidemic is spreading through my school: a lack of determination. Maybe a lack of purpose? Is it the age? When people reach that junior, senior kind of thing do they just begin to lose track of what to do or where to go? I can't figure it out. I for one though, feel pretty purposeless. I love life, of course. But academically and for my future, I don't know where to go. I've even been pushing off blogging, which used to be a major factor in my life. For a moment I know what I'm doing (the Air Force, Animation, Musical theater) and then the next day I'm a piping hot mess with no idea what to do with my life. I'm not a bad kid. I have a good family (well, besides the fact we hardly talk and are scattered too far to visit). So why do I suddenly feel like I have no direction?
Everything has been done and seen. There's nothing new to explore, nothing new to create or capture. There's so many people on this earth: all of us need to find some purpose for our futures. That's a lot of competition if you think about it. So few jobs, new people born everyday. I'm afraid of the future, and I haven't been afraid of that in a long time. Yet, somehow, even with this loss of direction, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Because of the people I've met, and the people I plan to meet. Good, genuine people.
I lost where I was going with this. And I have no idea what you all (I will not say y'all) are going to think. Or if you will respond at all. I just wanted to say, I guess, that growing up is hard. You realize you do have to think about life and where you want to go. What you want to be. Because I don't want to be just another joe on the street. I want to make a difference. I want to be someone. Life isn't measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take you're breath away. (Don't know where this quote comes from, but I'm using it.)
See, just last weekend I went snowmobiling for the first time. I picked up on it relatively fast and didn't crash, but I found that I really liked going fast. The faster I went, the more I could feel. The more I could hear. The more I could see. I know how adrenaline works, but that's a moment I'm talking about with the breath taking thing. That's the most alive I've felt in awhile. I wasn't getting up, going to school, and going home to do more work. I was living. I was doing something different, on the edge. I'm not an adrenaline junky, though it must sound like it with that paragraph. I just want to feel my heart beat, because it reminds me I'm alive.
So comment, vent, do whatever. I just needed to get this out and since you guys only know me as Primrose, I knew I wouldn't be judged personally. Thank you for your time =) I wont interrupt any more roleplaying. This isn't going to turn into a weird Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz blog, trust me.
